The Mumbai attacks of November 26, 2008 remains a dark chapter in recent Indian history for two reasons.

First, for the lax security that allowed 10 Pakistani terrorists to casually saunter into Mumbai one late evening and unleash havoc for the next three days.

Second, for India’s abject failure to retaliate against the murderous attacks that took over 160 lives and injured several hundred.

Phantom represents director Kabir Khan’s gamble to capitalize on every Indian’s wet dream – the desire to bring perpetrators of the Mumbai attacks to justice.

Alas, like every wet dream Phantom too quickly turns into an embarrassment.

Kiss of Death

It’s no secret that Bollywood fans have an abiding love for all things Khan.

The crappier the Khan in personal life or the trashier a Khan movie, the greater the Indian love for that Khan (well, no one ever accused Bollywood fans of possessing sane minds or good taste).

But Saif Ali Khan is one of the rare exceptions to the great Indian Khan love-fest.

Saif Ali Khan remains Bollywood’s great unloved Khan.

I can’t recollect a single Saif Ali Khan movie that has enjoyed the pan-Indian success of a Shahrukh Khan, Salman Khan or Aamir Khan film.

Given Saif’s undepletable Pataudi fortune and his flop-Khan crown of thorns, I’ve often wondered if he bribes Bollywood producers to be included in their movies atrocities!

All that can be said in Sai Ali Khan’s favor is that he’s not as rotten an actor as that Roop Tera Mastana seductress (his mother Sharmila Tagore) or his size-zero, acting double-zero wife #2 (Kareena Kapoor).

If Saif Ali Khan’s presence as the lead star is the first kiss of death for Phantom, director Kabir Khan’s simplistic, unrealistic revenge tale is the second strike against the film.

India’s external intelligence agency RAW plucks a disgraced army officer Daniyal Khan (Saif Ali Khan) from snowy wilderness tempting him with ‘honor’ and blandishing the promise of reinstatement in the army in exchange for undertaking a special mission.

RAW’s infantile logic is by killing the masterminds of the attacks against India and disguising them as accidents, Pakistan will get the message and India will be spared all future attacks.

No wonder Indians refer to RAW and its agents as raw in every sense of the term.

But bearded Daniyal takes the ‘honor’ and ‘reinstatement’ bait, and after a quick shave is entrusted with the responsibility of killing a Pakistani terrorist in London.

Before you can say Khan, our Daniyal is in London and has dispatched the Paki terrorist in a fiery explosion and snapped the neck of his accomplice like a chicken for the pot.

Daniyal’s London pit-stop also serves as the opportunity for Kabir Khan to introduce the Great Indian nightmare Katrina ‘Zombie’ Kaif as Nawab Mistry, a security consultant for Dark Water (a stand-in for American security contractor Blackwater).

But what got my goat was the hopelessly moronic surveillance operation the Daniyal-Nawab duo mount of the Pakistan terrorist before his death. Think of a word thousand times stronger than amateur!

Having tasted Pakistani blood, Daniyal is like a rabid dog that froths for more victims. He’s off to Chicago where he gets himself sentenced to prison for a murder and without much sweat murders David Headley (a key conspirator in the Mumbai attacks) lodged in the same prison.

If Kabir Khan had consulted the slave-owner Devyani Khobragade she’d have told him that US prison guards peer into the posterior orifice too for contraband and tools!

With David Headley too dispatched to mate with 64 virgins, Daniyal’s blood-lust now reaches a new high and he amasses more frequent flyer miles. He’s back to London, then off to Beirut and from there to Syria, and Lahore where he engineers the killing of two key masterminds of the Mumbai massacre.

Kabir Khan’s clumsy screenplay delivers a Daniyal Khan unconvincingly cast as Bond PLUS Bourne PLUS Ethan Hunt PLUS Rajinikanth.

Misadventure

There’s nothing that makes Phantom stand out in any fashion.

Starting with its title, cast and director, Phantom is a misadventure from the getgo with nary a hope of redemption.

The car chases and action scenes are unsalvageably pedestrian, vintage 1980s Hollywood.

Neither Saif nor Zombie Kaif show any passion in their roles!

When finally the Arabian Sea takes Daniyal Khan, I heaved a sigh of relief knowing my ordeal was near its end!

The depressing reality is that although a billion Indians have been fretting for seven years over the Mumbai attacks they still lack the cojones individually or collectively to do anything about it.

I will be surprised if Indians don’t raise their collective middle finger to Phantom.

After all, a Chutiya’s wet dream, while it brings some relief, quickly turns into gross irritation.