Me Bad!

Me Terribly, Furiously Bad!

Here I was smug in the fantasy that the trashiest films in the Milky Way came from my familiar precincts of Tollywood, Bollywood and Kollywood.

Boy did I get disabused of my illusions today!

All illusions shattered in the Walpurgis Night of Furious 7, amigos!

Utter Garbage

Imagine my revulsion upon encountering Furious 7 – Ceaseless, relentless fusillade of garbage hitting me square on the face.

Cars leaping up from the ground (I swear on Allah) to destroy helicopters in the air.

Cars leaping down in reverse from airplanes (I swear on Jesus) to attack vehicles on the ground.

Cars leaping off one skyscraper (I swear on Ram) to fly into another skyscraper and then into another.

(OMG, I almost forgot.) Cars leaping off steep cliffs (I swear on, who’s left now?, N.Modi) into the rocky mountains and treetops.

Now that’s just a sneak peek, a tiny microcosm of the kind of crude, noxious, perverse shit you can expect from Furious 7.

But there are billions (of humans, no less) with gargantuan scatophagous appetites. They revel in shit like Furious 7 hailing it as an “action film.” A Mephistophelean defense not unlike the refrain used by Akshay Kumar fans (“Leave your brains at home to enjoy his films“).

As if you can’t make an action film with some elan.

Now good taste is not a matter of religion, color or race. Either you’re born with good taste or you’re missing the gene.

You see, for the 11AM show this morning at a theatre on the U.S. East Coast, the hall was 80% full. On a working day, no less!

And if my assessment is right most of the humanoid pack in the movie hall seemed to be lapping up the hideous spectacle on the screen.

Shows you, if anything, that civilization is still largely work in progress! 🙁

Story? – Ha Ha Ha

For me to even attempt to highlight the story of the Furious 7 is a peine forte et dure.

The sum total of this Gehenna is that someone is either shooting, beating or chasing someone else.

No more! And most certainly No Less!

At first, the movie was all about going after the shadowy former British Special Ops agent Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), who’s on a revenge mission following his brother’s crippling injuries in London.

Somewhere down the road, the film morphs into chasing after hacker Ramsey on the serpentine mountain roads surrounding the Caucusus cliffs and the non pareil electronic chip called “God’s Eye” that can be used to hunt anyone anywhere in the world.

God, the writing is so cringe-worthy – Liberally strewn with phony-sounding, emetic lines like “What’s real is family. Hold on to that,” “I don’t have friends. I have family,” and “Did you bring the cavalry? I’m the cavalry.”

Go for It

The key cast of Furious 7 would not recognize acting if it kicked them in the butt, bitch-slapped them in the face or butted them in the stomach.

Jason Statham, Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel are robotic masses of pulp and muscle masquerading as human actors.

My favorite Indian movie trinity trash (Salman Khan-Allu Arjun-Ajith Kumar) seems like Laurence Olivier, Ben Kingsley and Al Pacino respectively compared to dregs like Statham, Diesel and Johnson.

Since most of you putzheads love to wallow in filth, I’m sure you’ll relish, nay, thrill to Furious 7.

Go ahead, dickheads!

Feast your putrified brains on cretinous codswallop like Furious 7.

After all, rhetorically speaking isn’t garbage straight up your alley?

P.S: Last night, I watched Night Train to Lisbon (DVD available at your local library). Now that IS a gem worth watching!