(For SI Blog reader Rmadasu)

No, I’m not Soju-fied!

At least not completely.

Hey, even I can’t gulp 750ml in one go.

What do you think I am, Rajesh Khanna or Raghuvaran? 😉

Of Pigs, Chimps, Aishwarya & Salman

Now I’m not making things up about Aishwarya Rai and Salman Khan’s ancestors being Pigs and Chimpanzees.

Hey, a leading American geneticist Eugene McCarthy has hypothesized so. Dr.McCarthy holds a Ph.D in genetics and was formerly affiliated with the University of Georgia.

Here’s how a bunch of frisky pigs and chimpanzees ended up creating Salman Khan and Aishwarya Rai.

One day in the distant past a male pig and a female chimpanzee got bored with the status quo positions and their current partners.

The male pig and female chimpanzee wanted to try something completely new.

So radically new that even the great Vatysayana would not be able to conjure something like it later in his magnum op Kamasutra.

Ruled out by the frisky pair therefore were doggie, 69, rocking horse, splitting bamboo, crouching tiger, eagle, right angle, lotus blossom, peg (no typo) etc as too boring.

None of the 100 Kamasutra positions.

Homosexuality was passe even those days. So that too was quickly ruled out.

Finally, the pig in heat and the chimp in heat found each other and engaged in a bit of frolic.

As with all frolicking by creatures with high libidos and different sex organs, one thing led to another and before long they found themselves coupled together in a tight bond.

Or as SI likes to put it, all holes eventually get filled. 😉

A litter soon followed the tight coupling of the male pig and female chimpanzee. That litter grew up, and one day members of the litter started frolicking and created another litter.

One litter followed another and eventually we ended up with Aishwarya Rai and Salman Khan. And, of course, all the other billions of the homo sapiens race too!

That’s the gist of Dr.McCarthy’s research.

Like all scientists, Dr.McCarthy complicates matters by talking of hybridization, human hybrids, backcross hybrids. chromosomes, sterility, taxonomic order etc.

I have selected a simple excerpt from Dr.McCarthy’s study so that all you bonobos can easily comprehend it.

Darwin told only half the story. We believe that humans are related to chimpanzees because humans share so many traits with chimpanzees. Is it not rational then also, if pigs have all the traits that distinguish humans from other primates, to suppose that humans are also related to pigs? Let us take it as our hypothesis, then, that humans are the product of ancient hybridization between pig and chimpanzee.

Salman Khan – The Proof

Truth be said, I’m not completely surprised.

Each time I looked at Salman Khan’s antics  onscreen or offscreen, I sensed there was something strongly piggish about him.

The porcine (meaning pig-like) aspect in Salman Khan is too dominant to be ignored. Beating women, braggadocio, running his Toyota Land Cruiser while drunk-driving over Mumbai’s poorest (pavement dwellers) and running away when the victims started howling in pain and were dying.

That’s exactly how pigs behave – they squeal, snarl and create all kinds of trouble but are quick to run away when they sense danger to themselves.

If you’re still not convinced, watch the below video of Salman Khan’s Dabbangg and the resemblance to a pig is clear.

Or, as Tom Cruise would say, Crystal clear.

What About Aishwarya?

Far be it for me to suggest Aishwarya Rai has porcine features.

I’m not so Soju-fied as to deny her beauty. 😉

But the Chimpanzee element is strong in Aishwarya.

You see, like humans the Chimps are crafty creatures, infinitely so when compared to Pigs.

Image courtesy – Hubpages

Sure Aishwarya may have been slapped around a few times by Salman.

But look at the way Aishwarya craftily turned the tables on Salman when she publicly criticized her one-time boyfriend.

Thanks in part to Aishwarya, the name Salman Khan today evokes a deep sense of revulsion and loathing in at least 700 million Indians (the remaining 500-million are pigs).

Aishwarya Rai’s public criticism compounded by his self-destructive behavior has forced Salman Khan in desperation to don T-Shirts with the slogan Being Human. Because at least 700 million Indians refuse to believe Salman Khan is human.

Also, look at the way Aishwarya Rai has craftily, in a chimp-like way, managed her career.

Other Indian beauty queens like Sushmita Sen, Lara Dutta, Yukta Mookhey and that abomination Priyanka Chopra are dust compared to the standing and branding Aishwarya Rai has created for herself. Hell, Aishwarya Rai even trademarked her name in the U.S.

In another display of craftiness, Aishwarya married into one of India’s foremost Bollywood families ensuring that snarling pigs never come near her or disturb her again.

Now I wonder how Jews and Muslims will react to this new theory of all humans having a pig and a chimp among their ancestors! Will they dismiss the research as monkey business?

As for Hindus and Christians, they just can’t get enough of bacon in one form or the other.

Pass the bacon, will ya?

Related Content:
Human Origins: Are We Hybrids