By Madmax673

In real life, there are some people who apologize for their sins with real regret.

There are others who use apology merely as an excuse.

This Hollywood bozo Michael Bay makes even Bollywood sinners look like saints by dishing out utterly boring, disgusting drivel.

Seriously, this fellow should be hailed as one of the worst directors of the decade along the lines of community driven directors like Antoine Fuqua.

When someone runs out of taut subjects or ‘high-concept’ comedies what else do you do? Pick out a real tragic story and turn it into an ugly grotesque farce!

More bizarre to me is the fact that this idiot shamelessly apologizes by reminding us through inserting title cards every now and then that this is a true story.

In the beginning, the narrator states “unfortunately…this is a true story”.

By the end, after testing the viewer’s endurance and patience for over 120 minutes, there is a reminder in the form of a title card: “seriously…this is still a true story”.

Every now and then in the middle there is an insertion of date and timings.

Story

Set in Florida, this abomination based on some magazine articles loosely based on true events by Pete Collins, follows three body builders and dimwits who lack even an infinitesimal amount of common sense – Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg), Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson) and Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie).

Daniel Lugo is just a transformed man after being in prison but still lands at a so-so job as a gym instructor. He attends a “get rich quick” kinda meeting by Johnny Wu (Ken Jeong) and falls for an idea, conspires with Paul and Adrian to kidnap the rich guy Victor (Tony Shalhoub) and rip his wealth away from him.

The rest of the movie is about how these mutts successfully manage to screw up the entire plot & plan and end up paying their price, thanks to the efforts of Ed DuBois (Ed Harris), the only likeable person in the movie who only appears for a very little time.

If I write anything good about this movie, I’ll surely rot in hell!

Things that Didn’t Work

None of the main characters are likeable, including the poor victim.

It’s obvious that the creative intention is to show the victim as the opponent.

But the director fails miserably in his execution as we end up getting irritated and impatient with the heights of stupidity of the body builders whom we’re supposed to root for.

They were neither funny nor believable.

Here is a list:

The rich guy being tied up (both his arms and eyes) rightly guesses his kidnapper as Daniel who had been modulating his voice perfectly until then. I couldn’t understand why any idiot who is carrying out an extortion plan would get angry, beat the shit out of him and reveal his ID immediately.

Just couldn’t buy it. It will insult the intelligence of someone even with the least IQ. Or was that supposed to be funny!? It sucked!

Paul Doyle is some kinda baptized ‘born again’ Christian who snorts coke out of a chick’s ass. I wonder how Dwayne Johnson agreed to do that scene!? Hope that chick didn’t eat beans during the shoot 🙁

There is no date or time insertion during the scene where Adrian beats the shit out of the victim with a huge black dildo. Now that makes me skeptical if it really happened. That wasn’t funny either. Even Jesus won’t forgive the filmmaker if it was made up. There are cruder, ugly scenes like that throughout.

Adrian has steroid induced impotency. A huge plump woman portrayed by Rebel Wilson works on curing him but also falls for him. They don’t end with that. They end up getting married! Now what I don’t get or find funny is that why would she have sex with him with a ‘nunchaku’ up her armpits?

Paul Doyle loses his toe during a shoot out. He feeds it to a dog, himself, with a smile. Profoundly disgusting!

There is a scene where Paul Doyle grills amputated arms and limbs in the front yard of the house like cooking barbecue.

After robbing the victim’s money and wealth, Danny invites the neighborhood to the mansion and encourages them to rape the stripper. Is it some kinda “welcome to the neighborhood!” joke?

It’s rare to see an ignoramus girl like the stripper portrayed by Bar Paly. First she is tricked by Danny that she is gonna be a heroine and she believes it and gets excited. Later on she is tricked by Danny that he is a CIA agent and she happily believes that as well.

While the scene where three consecutive attempts to kill the victim was mildly amusing, it was hardly believable. Moreover, that scene reminded me of “Good Fellas”.

Rating

This movie is being marketed as an Action/Comedy/Crime/ Drama/Thriller.

They might have added ‘spoof’ as well. Maybe that could’ve manipulated the audience mindset while going to watch this trash.

Even Marky Mark’s swag or star value can’t save this appalling piece of shit.

Unless you’re desperate for some vicious assault on all your senses and enjoy being robbed of your money, stay away from the macabre “Pain & Gain”.