By Naveen
Anil Kapoor’s eagerly anticipated Hollywood offering Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol released Thursday night in the U.S. exclusively at IMAX theaters.
Anil’s Hollywood fans could hardly contain their excitement and paraded to the nearest theaters in numbers that make the “Occupy Wall Street” crowd seem like Monday morning gathering at the local Hindu temple.
These photos were taken 15 minutes before the show previews began at the AMC Naperville IMAX screen.
Fooled y’all.
Ha Ha Ha! 😀
The crowd did build up slowly but the hall was far from even half occupied.
Little did I know when I bought the tickets for the IMAX screening of MI 4 that I’d ripped off by the scoundrels at AMC. This IMAX screen was bloody joke!
For a screen that is of same width as any regular screen and barely 2 feet taller it hardly qualifies as an IMAX experience. Now some will say that size doesn’t matter but don’t you believe those pricks!
When you pay 5 bucks more for the same movie, it better be worth it. After watching the peerless “Dark Knight” in the 6 story tall Navy Pier IMAX screen, this screen was a huge disappointment.
F#CK YOU AMC! F#CK YOU!!!
Now, unless you’ve been hiding in the septic tank called Kollywood you would know that MI 4 has some scenes shot in the very expensive IMAX format, which was very beautifully used in “The Dark Knight.”
Ghost Protocol is the 4th installment of the popular Mission Impossible franchise. Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton, Michael Nyqvist and others co-star with Anil Kapoor in this Brad Bird directed edition.
Story & Screenplay
MI 4 is an action bonanza with spectacular special effects and a cockamamie nonsense of a story that mostly exists as an excuse to move from one action scene to another.
A Russian terrorist disguises himself as another guy to buy Russian nuclear codes from an assassin who stole from an American Secret Agent who stole from another guy who was going to hand it to the Russian terrorist.
The Russian terrorist re-programs an Indian satellite using a USB drive and fires a missile towards US. The codes of the satellite are known only to a business tycoon cum playboy.
Can Tom Cruise save the world?
Ok Ok… I will elaborate if you insist.
An IMF (Spy organization) operation meant to gain control over some nuclear codes meant for a person named “Cobalt”, goes bad. An assassin named Sabine kills an IMF agent and takes the codes.
Jane Carter (Paula Patton), the lead of that operation and Benji (Simon Pegg) plot the escape of Agent Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) who is languishing in a Moscow prison. Our second hero Tom Cruise (the main one being Anil Kapoor for desis) makes his entry in a Illayathalapathi Vijay like fashion with an introduction fight (but thankfully no intro song!). They team up to sneak into Kremlin Archives and uncover “Cobalt”.
Jane also tells Hunt what happened earlier in a small flashback sequence! Now when did I last see a flashback sequence in Hollywood?! 😀
Anyway, after a few stereotypical shots of children with balloons, tourists with maps and random group of Russian soldiers marching for no discernible reason, our Agent Hunt gets past Kremlin sekoority by wearing a ottu meesai (fake moustache) and a hat. Benji, our Hollywood Santhanam, is one step ahead. He gains entry just with the hat and no ottu meesai! These two walk into Kremlin as if they are walking into Chennai Central Station to buy Badam Milk!
A few cool but unrealistic special effects later the mission fails.
“Cobalt” steals a Nuclear activator and bombs Kremlin. Like the India-Pakistan blame game, Russia blames US.
The US government invokes “Ghost Protocol” and Hunt’s team are set up to take the blame. The IMF secretary however lets Hunt go so as get to the bottom of the mystery (What else could he do this was only the 3rd reel :p). The Secretary is bumped off by Russian forces and Brandt (Jeremy Renner), the analyst who accompanied the secretary has to join forces with Hunt’s team.
They run from the harebrained Russian security officer but soon enough find their secret getaway. A goods train hideout with retina scanner outside! From outside it looks like the ugly goods trains in India but inside it resembles Skynet!
Hunt’s team discover that Cobalt is actually Hendricks (Michael Nyqvist), an ex-Russian Defense officer. Hendricks got kicked out of the defense because he became a loony nuclear fanatic who thinks Nuclear War is actually a cool thing for humanity. Kuruvi Josiyam tells Hunt’s gang that he is going to Dubai to buy back the nuclear codes from the assassin Sabina.
Hunt & team are off to Dubai now. Director Brad Bird finds himself some excuses to use the rusting IMAX camera. He captures the beautiful sand dunes and squeezes in some truly breathtaking stunts on the Burj Khalifa hotel.
Despite all available technology and hardened spy trainings they received as secret agents, Hunt’s team hatch a plot to intercept the codes by staging the popular device called Aal-Maaraatam (Impersonation) frequently used in Tamil Cinema for comedy.
Their trend of messing things up continues. Their jig is up, Hendricks escapes with the code after a long chase in a sandstorm which we previously saw in “The Mummy”. However, Hunt’s team manage to make a copy.
How did they use this copy?
Who knows! Who cares!!
When they speak of a nuclear war in the same tone as ordering Bhindi Masala and Peshawari Naan then the war seems more like a itch in the groins.
Hollywood Meets Bollywood
Hunt, by now frustrated, meets his escaped Russian co-prisoner who brings along a “knows it all” criminal friend.
Somehow he walks out of that meeting deciding to go to India. Why? How? No idea!
The criminal friend must have been one damn good jyothish (astrologer).
Now finally enters our desi rock star Brij Nath (Anil Kapoor), a playboy business tycoon. He has the code to the satellite that Hendricks plans to use for launching the nuclear attack on US. Hunt & team come to India and mingle in a party thrown by Brij Nath.
The director again resorts to the tried and tested Bollywood technique of using the allure of an attractive woman to get the job done. Jane agrees to seduce Brij Nath into giving up the codes.
It appears Brad Bird and Paula Patton were confused how to seduce an Indian Casanova. Jane has a uncomfortable look on her face throughout this segment. It seems our Anil Kapoor may have had a little too much of Rajma Masala and Garlic Naan that day and the after effects were exhausting through his various orifices.
While this lovely seduction ensued, Hendricks gets control of the satellite and re-programs it to launch a missile towards US. Again their plan fails. While Jane is busy trying to seduce Brij Nath, Benji has Brandt floating in mid-air by wearing some anti-gravity dress guided by a remote control toy car. Now when I think of it I don’t know if that segment had any point!
Finally, Hunt takes matters into his own hands (literally). He chases down Hendricks, takes control of the missile controller, and pushes the “Stop” button a few times. His team members, meanwhile, run helter-skelter, fix some wires and restore the power supply and they also push some switches and then….well, you didn’t think I would reveal the end did you? J
There is a suspense in the movie that I have not revealed in this review.
The loopholes and illogical things run into pages. It suffices to say that Brad Bird is not the type to waste time on ‘silly’ things like story, logic, details etc.
Trivia: Why are all boards in Mumbai written in a language that resembles Arabic?
Answer: Looks like the crew could not stand the stench of piss and shit expelled in public in Mumbai and moved to Dubai for the Indian segment as well.
Performances
I would hesitate to write anything about acting for there was nothing worth special mention but you’ve got to praise when appreciation is due.
Tom Cruise was good in parts. It seems he did the Burj Khalifa hotel stunt himself, which is commendable. He seemed to have put a lot of physical effort into his role.
Anil Kapoor’s role was as big as a G-string on a 500 pound fat woman. His role was as pivotal as a mole in a black man’s ass and as relevant as a panty during a vaginal examination.
In the few minutes of his screen time, the Jane character crushes his palm, twists his arm and brings him to his knee, slaps him, throws him down, strangles him and leaves him unconscious. It was a challenging part where his character had to go through a rapid change in emotion.
No one but Anil could have played this role. :-p
Recommendation
Mission Impossible elevates Tamil garbage like Kandasamy, Villu etc. to Hollywood standards.
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol showcases lavish special effects with lots of action.
There is no nudity or bad language.
Kids, teenagers and those who love ‘leave your brains at home’ mindless action are sure to find the movie entertaining. I would have liked this movie a couple of decades ago… not now. Even now I enjoy action movies but prefer more attention to detail and a little more depth.
The IMAX effect was not all that awesome but that may be due to the pathetic screen at AMC Naperville. But the Burj Khalifa segment was breathtaking and worthy of IMAX.
There are fist fights, gun fights, cat fights, car chases, high flying jumps/falls, and a Sandstorm of apocalyptic proportions to keep you entertained.
I am sure the movie will take an earth shattering opening thanks to Women who orgasm at the mere sight of Tom Cruise and Men who cum over a few minutes of action. The MI Brand, IMAX marketing and holiday season will generously help this bad movie.
MI 4 Ghost Protocol – Mindless Boob! added by SearchIndia.com on
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I was deeply thinking to go for this movie but the review has put me in a fix.
Nice review by the way. Keep it up buddy. You have begun including a lot of humor of late.
congrats 😛
Is SI going to watch it after Naveen’s review?
SearchIndia.com Responds:
No, SI plans to watch a BBC Film Page Eight today.
@ Hari – If you like action, special effects and dont care much for logic / sense then you will like it.
Ok
enjoy the movie 🙂
And here the buzz has begun for Don 2
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Watched the Don 2 trailer during Desi Boyz & Ricky Bahl. Nothing remarkable.
You must a tough nut to crack.
Every single reviewer has nothing but praises for the movie – score is 95% on Rotten Tomatoes. Couple of my friends who saw the movie, say it is spectacular.
Chill out and enjoy the show buddy!
95% – Consider reading what the other 5% have to say and you will know why some sanity still prevails 😉
I’ll try to enjoy Sherlock Holmes although SI has given only a so-so recommendation.
Hmmm…I expected something like this from. MI4…
Off-topic-
SI, are you gonna write anything on Christopher Hitchens?
You and he shared much the same philosophy, at least when it came to god and religion (puke)
SearchIndia.com Responds:
We’ve read several obituaries of Christopher Hitchens since Friday morning, almost all laudatory.
The below piece is a notable exception & worth reading for highlighting Hitchens’ one unpardonable, egregious mistake:
http://gawker.com/5868761/christopher-hitchens-unforgivable-mistake
Hmmm…You are right, he was stupid to support the f*cked-up invasion of Iraq.
And it was by no means a “War to be Proud of”. Rather George Bush should have cut his balls off and castrated himself in shame.
But his power to debate against religion was impressive (anyways, religion has nothing to back it). What do you think about his comments on Teresa?
SearchIndia.com Responds:
1. We think Christopher Hitchens made a mistake on Iraq but then did not have the balls to correct himself.
2. Hitchens was damn right to tear into Teresa for glorifying suffering and the crappy stuff she was doing with the dying by denying them proper medical care in Kolkata and elsewhere. At least, she fed the dying.
In the SI worldview, Teresa was not evil like so many Hindu ‘Swamis’ but she was a stupid, bigoted fuck.
Of all the stupid things the stupid fuck said, this has got to be the worst:
We’ve always been a little ambivalent on Teresa after reading an interview in the 1980s where she talked of her ‘faith’ when asked if she’d make a distinction between Christians and others.
But we have some respect for her for at least feeding the dying, which is more than we can say for the Hindu chutiyas, who comprise the majority of that benighted state West Bengal.
Religion is a weird thing, particularly with some Indian communities. Even smart people fall prey to its meretricious charms.
We have some Gujarati friends here. Fairly smart people except when it comes to religion. At the mere mention of Satsang, Swaminarayan Mandir, Jai Shri Ram etc they go weak at the knees and hand out mucho dollars to the temple.
We once asked them how Religion and God could explain someone like George W.Bush. The response we got from our Gujju friends was that God also introduces “Twists & Turns.” We gave up!
SI – You asked the wrong people. How can Vishnu control the actions of Jesus bhakth George Bush.
American Christians probably thank Jesus for Bush. He was their crusader against Islam.
Being a Gujarati Jain, I can attest to the stupidity of those from my religion, if not from other religions.
Jains,as you may or may not know,simply refuse to touch underground vegetables,stating that they contain too many microbes…stupidity knows no bounds when it comes to religion. But of course it is their wish to eat what they want, and I don’t exactly blame them, because their upbringing is such that it inculcates these sort of beliefs.
Nevertheless, religion can be a great hindrance to perception and limits the boundaries of the mind. Christians shun the theory of evolution and many religions reject contraception and abortion. Radical Islam preaches violence….all this leads to a lot of the world’s problems, eg.terrorism and overpopulation.
It’s tantalizing reading about the Tit bits about religion. Can you thrill us with a whole, elaborate article about it??
SearchIndia.com Responds:
It’s 10:04PM here and, boy, we sure are in the mood for some ‘Tit bits.’ 😉
Sweetie, the word is either tidbits or titbits.
The preferred word, and the one used more frequently, is tidbits.
For you we’ll do a review of Hitchens’ God is not great : how religion poisons everything . We’ll try to do it soon.
Now we’re going to get ourselves some Tit bits and in the process inflict some Tit bites. 😉
Thanks SI. Looking forward to it.
SI Wrote:
“But we have some respect for her for at least feeding the dying, which is more than we can say for the Hindu chutiyas, who comprise the majority of that benighted state West Bengal.
Religion is a weird thing, particularly with some Indian communities. Even smart people fall prey to its meretricious charms.”
Dude, so you speak as if only Christian missionaries are the savior of the poor and all Hindu charity missions are chutiyas. While I completely agree that Christian missions have done a lot of good things, the same doesn’t hold true anymore.
During the aftermath of the 2004 Tsunami, RSS and The Christian Missionaries were working to help the people in the coastal areas of tamilnadu. In some areas, especially Kanyakumari, the christian missionaries refused to cooperate and even promised to help the locals only if they converted or avoided the help of the RSS. The local media channels conveniently ignored this.
If you go to the missionaries of charity branches in South India, you will find that they are not doing much of charity work. Poor people are given money and clothes only if they promise to convert. This holds true for all Pentacostal missionaries across tamilnadu.
While Hindu charity missions have not done much, those few like Ramakrishna mission do valuable service. They don’t seem to publicise much of it.
Service is something which should be done without expecting anything back in return. Doing business in the name of service is doing disservice.
Please be careful while making general assumptions. We may be chutiyas, but others are no less. At least, we don;t convert people! Sorry if my statement hurts some people, I am sorry. But I can’t stand people uttering bullshit without researching the facts.
SearchIndia.com Responds:
It’s true that Christian charitable activity is often inextricably mingled with evangelism and conversion.
You’ll recollect we’ve long advocated ban on all conversions in India.
It’s also true as you say that the Ramakrishna Mission has a reputation for engaging in humanitarian work during calamitous times.
The sound effects will also be grossly underwhelming in fake IMAX theaters, I bet..
Nice Review.. black man’s assmole! No mention of Simon Pegg/Paula’s performances?
@Muniyandi / Gandhiji – The sound effects were good… but a little too noisy due to the smaller theater.
It is technically not a fake IMAX theater because IMAX screens come in varying sizes (something that I learned the hard way).
It seems these AMC jokers used the cheapest option. Stingy bastards!
Assmole! 😀
Performance of others – Nothing worth writing about.
For this man there is no mission is impossible…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tblRi4_Bdtg&feature=related
action starts from 2:50….
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Disgusting!
From today, we bestow the apposite name of Chimpu on T.Rajendar. Remove his vestments and with the hallmark simian antics you’d be hard pressed to distinguish Chimpu from a chimp.
Also given Chimpu’s penchant for alliteration, the moniker goes well with the movie name of his odious offspring Simbhu.
But let’s not lose sight of the fact that Chimpu’s screams or Dhanush’s Kolaveri trash happen because our Tamil makkal (people) love this kinda junk.
Was unfortunate enough to catch this flick last week at the AMC in New Brunswick in IMAX. Touted as IMAX, it is not the usual six floors tall screen where folks watch space exploration or Amazon jungle type stuff in theme parks. It is more like a 70MM screen in India.
As for the movie, save for the one action sequence at the Burj Khalifa in Dubai nothing else is impressive. There are just 3 big action moments in the movie – the burj khalifa sequence, the sandstorm in dubai and the automated elevator parking lot in Mumbai episode. The sandstorm and the parking lot stuff are both duds. The recreation of Mumbai is asinine – cars with canadian number plates in Mumbai !!
Save your money folks – wait for the DVD to appear on Redbox.
Sounds like United Artists might have spent a ton of dough keeping the hype alive on this one.
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Alas, at the box office it’s Mission Accomplished – $134 million in 17 days.