For all those schmucks who think that corporate boards are stuffed with wise old men who do nothing but bring their decades of ‘wisdom’ to guide businesses and pass the torch to a new generation, we say ’tis time to stop taking those deep drags from the fine California weed you got betwixt your lips.

A lot of corporate boards are stuffed with blithering idiots who won’t be able to find their cojones with two hands and a flashlight.

Case in point – HP’s board.

The venerable Silicon Valley company, founded over seven decades back in a garage, long before the current Messiah Steve Jobs was even born, has been tottering from one disaster to another, no thanks to the stupid fucks populating its board.

The diaper-wearing, incontinent dotards on HP’s board should be pilloried for their chronic, monumental follies starting with the naming of that fatuous creep Carly Fiorina to the top job.

From then on, HP board’s raison d’etre has been to drag the company into the ditch. And they’ve succeeded admirably in their moronic endeavors.

Frequent management changes, disastrous product launches (TouchPad tablet) and acquisitions (Palm) and low morale has sapped the company of its fighting spirit.

Less than a year after an ex-SAP hand Léo Apotheker was brought in amid cloying encomiums, the man has now been found unfit for the job and will exit with a golden parachute worth tens of millions of dollars.

Those with long memories will recollect a similar exit for Carly Fiorina when she left with tens of millions as a reward for a bad job.

Take a deko at the below excerpts from HP’s two announcements in the last 12 months of a new leader.

The more things change, the more, it seems, they remain the same.

Sep. 30, 2010 – ‘Strategic Thinker’ Léo Apotheker Named HP CEO

Léo is a strategic thinker with a passion for technology, wide-reaching global experience and proven operational discipline – exactly what we were looking for in a CEO. After more than two decades in the industry, he has a strong track record of driving technological innovation, building customer relationships and developing world-class teams.

Léo has been a leader in anticipating the transformation taking place in our industry, and we believe he is uniquely positioned to help accelerate HP’s strategy. He has demonstrated success in the U.S. market and also has vast international experience – which will be a major asset as HP continues to expand globally, particularly in high-growth emerging markets. HP has the right assets and market positions, and now we have the best team to realize the company’s enormous potential.
– Robert Ryan, lead independent director of HP’s Board, September 30, 2010

Sep. 22, 2011 Breaking News: Found Unfit to be HP CEO, Léo Apotheker is Kicked Out

We very much appreciate Léo’s efforts and his service to HP since his appointment last year. The board believes that the job of the HP CEO now requires additional attributes to successfully execute on the company’s strategy. Meg Whitman has the right operational and communication skills and leadership abilities to deliver improved execution and financial performance.

We are fortunate to have someone of Meg Whitman’s caliber and experience step up to lead HP. We are at a critical moment and we need renewed leadership to successfully implement our strategy and take advantage of the market opportunities ahead. Meg is a technology visionary with a proven track record of execution. She is a strong communicator who is customer focused with deep leadership capabilities. Furthermore, as a member of HP’s board of directors for the past eight months, Meg has a solid understanding of our products and markets.

– Ray Lane, HP board member, September 22, 2011

HP’s Senile Idiots Err Again

In our not-so-humble opinion, HP’s new CEO Meg Whitman is the wrong choice for the top job at HP.

Despite all the nonsense and puffery the HP board might throw out, Meg Whitman is not a technological visionary.

At best, she’s a bureaucrat who can bring home the bacon when things are going swimmingly well in the external environment.

But Whitman, who has been on HP’s board for the last eight months, does not have the experience or skills necessary to manage a large enterprise computing firm.

Whitman’s only claim to fame so far has been her extraordinary good fortune to be at the helm of online auction firm eBay at the right time.

Managing a company during boom years (when business grows exponentially despite best efforts to fuck things up) as Whitman did during her initial years at eBay, and when the concept of online auctions was a novelty, is a completely different ballgame as steering it during the inevitably harder years that follow.

Meg Whitman’s record during her latter years at eBay is nothing to crow about. Business slowed down as online auctions became a mature business and the Internet boom period soon became a dot in the rear-view mirror.

One of the biggest disasters of Whitman’s later years at eBay was the ill-conceived decision to buy the online telephone company Skype in 2005 for $2.6 billion.

eBay found it impossible to leverage the Skype acquisition into its core auction business and ultimately jettisoned it four years later to an investor group.

Outside the corporate world too, Meg Whitman has a dubious record that includes hiring illegal immigrants.

We were thrilled that despite spending a humongous $100 million, Whitman, who ran on a Republican ticket, lost in the 2010 California gubernatorial elections to Democrat Jerry Brown.

Whitman’s defeat reinforced our belief that American voters are not as dumb as they’re made out to be! 😉

Meg Whitman is most unfit to be HP’s chief and the dark days at HP will surely continue and may, in fact, worsen in the coming years.

  HP