Generations of Indians to come will rub their eyes in disbelief, shake their heads in a daze, look on in a rage and cringe in shame that as late as 2011, when tiny nations like South Korea, Denmark and Israel were producing dazzling movies, Bollywood filmmakers were still churning out mind-numbing, odious garbage like Bodyguard (and that too featuring a cowardly murderer).
Folks, even by the morbidly disgusting standards of Bollywood, Bodyguard represents a new low watermark.
We were so depressed after watching this junk that we were tempted to end our life on the New Jersey Turnpike.
It was only the sad – sob-sob – thought of orphaning all you schmucks that prompted us to change our mind.
Now, you know how much we love y’all. 😉
The ne plus ultra of trash, this so-called movie makes a mockery of the art form known as movie-making and throws up a foul smelling vomit on the screen for over two hours.
Written and directed by a South Indian half-wit named Siddique, Bodyguard pairs a real-life aging Indian criminal named Salman Khan with that size zero bimbo Kareena Kapoor sporting a perennial vacuous, hey-hey-I-am-a-retard expression.
A story that’s the Mount Everest of nonsense, acting that’s hopelessly incompetent, music wholly inadequate and an irritating (un)comic angle provided not a second’s respite to yours truly from the unceasing torture unfolding on the screen.
At a theater on the East Coast in the U.S., there were about 18 people for the opening show of Bodyguard.
Our guess is at least 10 of the viewers were Muslims. Go figure.
Asinine Story
A rich man Sartaj Rana (Raj Babbar) hires a bodyguard Lovely Singh (Salman Khan) to protect his young college student daughter Divya (Kareena Kapoor) from a deadly group bent on doing her injury.
Now, don’t ask us why.
Hey, this is a Salman Khan movie. Ask the wrong question and the star might drive his SUV over you. 🙁
Our bodyguard with the swollen cheeks, bluetooth earpiece, dark glasses, rippling muscles and the eight-pack body soon starts following the girl around like a shadow, into the ladies’ toilet (no kidding), into the class-room, into the gym and where not.
Much to the girl’s chagrin, who decides to throw the spanner in the works. Soon, the girl Divya feigns to be another college student Chaaya and keeps calling up our bodyguard, praising his hot body and eventually declaring her love for him.
Our bodyguard must surely be a blithering idiot since he’s blissfully unaware that it’s his ‘Madam Divya’ behind the prank.
It’s only in Hindi movies that the wife can’t recognize her husband without a mustache or a bodyguard can’t make out the barely-disguised voice of the girl he’s protecting day-in-and-day-out.
Are there no limits to the nonsense Indian movie fans are expected to uncomplainingly put up with after forking out $12?
Neither Salman Khan nor Kareena Kapoor have even a passing acquaintance with that acting thing.
Salman thinks flaunting his brawny chest is acting while Kareena is under the delusion that looking like a retard is the acme of acting!
Any place but India, the duo would have a hard time finding a role in a crowd scene.
God save Bollywood and its fans!
Of course, since Indian movie-fans are for the most part clueless buffoons as well it’s all fine and dandy for Salman and Kareena.
Horrid Comedy Angle
Since Bodyguard is a remake of a South Indian film, we’re forced to endure a hideously awful completely uncomical ‘comic angle.’
Director Siddique introduces a fat bozo Tsunami Singh (Rajat Rawail) whose raison d’etre is to inflict gruesome torture on viewers with his utterly unfunny antics.
Surely this Rajat Rawail must have been born during a lunar eclipse.
Juvenile Stunts
The senseless action scenes with Salman Khan’s character single-handedly, repeatedly beating to pulp dozens of well-armed thugs are an insult to Indian moviegoers.
Worse, none of the action scenes are tastefully done.
Crude beyond belief.
Just loud noise, Salman baring his body, the sound of bones breaking and the bad guys dropping like flies into the water, on the ground and all over.
Stupid Twist
As if all of the aforesaid nonsense were not enough to drive us batty, there’s an insanely stupid twist that involves the Bodyguard marrying Divya’s friend Maya for a few years.
When Maya conveniently dies after some unexplained illness, the coast is clear for the hero and heroine to finally come together.
Dull Music
Himesh Reshammiya’s uninspired music was tedious.
Neither the songs nor their picturization lifted us out of our gloom.
Even the sight of Kareena Kapoor in an orange saree with her pallu tightly folded to display her twin little mangoes and her saree just a wee bit above her mons veneris in the Teri Meri song scene only served to heighten our disgust and did nothing to lift our drooping spirits.
Bottom Line
To pay $12 and watch junk like Bodyguard is to beg Marquis de Sade to lay the whip on your exposed backside.
By the way, Katrina Kaif in a black bra and a black skirt flashing her left thighs and more in the opening song Feel the Heat was a sluttish harbinger of all the crap to follow.
That Bodyguard is the third Indian language version of this garbage is a telling indictment not just on Indian movie-makers but also a section of Indian moviegoers who encourage such garbage. The Malayalam and Tamil versions came earlier and a Telugu version is in the works. 🙁
Folks, only in Incredible India can jokers like Siddique become film directors and worthless buffoons Salman Khan and Kareena Kapoor masquerade as actors.
Guys, Bodyguard is not worth your precious time or money.
Hesitate not to extend your middle finger to this mind-numbing trash with mucho gusto.
Related Posts:
Bodyguard Box Office – Tasteless Desis Lap Up Trash
Bodyguard is Garbage, Say Critics
Is Darpok Salman Khan Ready to Confess to Murder?
Bodyguard Review – Mind-numbing Trash added by SearchIndia.com on
View all posts by SearchIndia.com →
Offtopic: The first reviews of Mankatha are out. Gist – “Miss it at your own risk” 🙂
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Mankatha review coming on the sui generis SI blog in a few hours. 😉
WTF, only 18 people? I thought this guy was the blue eyed boy for the trade due to his “supposed ability” for gathering huge crowds and deliver bumper openings.
Even Ajith’s junk drew more people on a Wednesday at my place.
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Yes, about 18 for the 2PM show.
Ajith’s junk had more people because it was an evening show.
🙁 For a moment, I was just beginning to feel happy that my friends up North have become wiser.
I guess there would have been a lot more for the subsequent shows.
And being a long weekend, maybe this junk would still manage decent openings.
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Salman Khan does not do well in the U.S.
Wanted, God Tussi Great Ho, Ready, London Dreams, Veer etc have all fared badly in the U.S.
http://www.searchindia.com/2011/06/06/ready-box-office-report-horrrrrible/
http://www.searchindia.com/2010/01/25/veer-box-office-salman-flop-khan-fails-again/
Oh wow! I didn’t know that. Then I guess his movies do well only on home turf???
So that makes him what…. a test playing Suresh Raina of Bollywood?
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Yeah, but the Indian, Gulf and Pakistan markets are big enough.
LD was the first Bolly movie I ever saw and MAN WAS I DISSAPOINTED!The rendition of Hanuman Chalisa was the only decent part of the whole movie…wish I read your review of it before I saw it……
SearchIndia.com Responds:
And pray what is LD?
short for “London Dreams”(2009)
only 18 people?? isn’t it a very poor response for the show?? 😛
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Given all the hype, yes.
Mediocre Copycat Murderers succeeding again and again proves that we are in Kalyug..
now mankatha has come in tamil..
now hindi, telugu & other movies will hash a remake of that movie however is the movie..
ha ha ha ha 😀
havent stopped laughing yet!! 🙂
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Mankatha review coming in a few minutes on your favorite blog SearchIndia.com.
Update:
http://www.searchindia.com/2011/09/01/mankatha-review-%e2%80%93-ajiths-50th-atrocity/
Thanks a lot SI..
🙂
Ajith & Salman Khan are competing with each other as to whose film would do bad!!
It seems Salman Khan would win handily!! 😉
SearchIndia.com Responds:
BTW, Naveen did the Mankatha review.
Ok thanks for the review Naveen!! 🙂
Since they were planning to have Nagarjuna for the role of Arjun, I am sure this movie will not be remade. It would be dubbed. Moreover Telugu stars are worse than their Tamil counterparts when it comes to trying anything outside the box. So even if it is not dubbed, I can safely bet no Telugu actor would do it.
I highly doubt if this would be remade in Hindi because for one there is no substance in this movie and they have already seen enough of Abbas Mastan movies.
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Referring to Mankatha?
Sorry for not being clear. Yeah, I was replying to Hari’s comment on Mankatha possibly being remade into Telugu and Hindi which I don’t think will happen.
@podadubuku – i agree with you about the telugu one as i was just kidding about the idea of making remakes in different languages.:-)
Though hindi has seen enough of abbas mustan’s movies, we can’t rule out another remake in hindi simply because they simply love to make crappy remakes.. They made remakes of Singam & that Uthamaputhiran as Singham & Ready respectively & people here were bragging about those movies though they hardly had any substance..;-)
That’s why i just gave an idea of what they can also deeply contemplate..
Otherwise, i too seriously doubt this film would be remade as this was specially for the Thala, his 50th film 😀 ha ha ha ha
Completely agree with you, cant believe this movie is going to be a blockbuster, it has nothing new to offer… last time salman khan did a decent job in a movie was probably tere naam..
Have to disagree about kareena though, i think she is one of the more tolerable actresses left in bollywood, she was good in jab we met and is far better than her peers: priyanka chopra, aishwarya, that god-awful katrina, etc..
i think the best actresses bollywood has had over the last few years are kajol, rani mukherjee, konkona sen sharma, and vidya balan..
i have been looking for decent movies to watch and recently saw ap tak chhappan, really enjoyed it, have you seen it?? i think nana and paresh rawal are the most underrated actors in bollywood, both always do justice to their roles..
anyways really enjoy your reviews, they are a bit harsh! lol… but mostly spot on, keep up the good work
SearchIndia.com Responds:
1. No, haven’t seen Ab Tak Chhappan. We’ll see if we can get the DVD. We like both Nana Patekar and Paresh Rawal, two rare souls in Bollywood who can spell acting even in the worst of roles they’re handed.
2. You write: last time salman khan did a decent job in a movie was probably tere naam..
By the way, here’s a brief review of Tere Naam (pre-SI blog)
Ab tak chhappan was a decent movie.
My gut instinct says that u will enjoy it.
I agree with user Syke and I feel that Tere Naam was THE ONLY decent watchable movie that Salman did in his entire career. How can this guy’s movies (& many other utterly trashy movies in bollywood) become a hit is a mystery greater than that of even the Bermuda triangle 🙁
SearchIndia.com Responds:
You write: How can this guy’s movies (& many other utterly trashy movies in bollywood) become a hit is a mystery greater than that of even the Bermuda triangle
Elementary My Dear Watson: Most Indians love trash. Nay, they worship trash.
Hollywood movies,as much as I dislike them,sound like they’re decades ahead of Bollywood,Kollywood and any other ‘Wood” in the world!
@ SI : Off topic :
have you seen this tamil movie Rhythm of 2000 with Arjun, Meena, Ramesh Arvind, Nagesh, Jyothika as the actors??
it’s a decent movie with beautiful songs in it!!
how did you find it??
can u please give a review of it?? 🙂
SearchIndia.com Responds:
No, haven’t seen it.
For health reasons, we’re planning to stop seeing Tamil films.
For health reasons, we’re planning to stop seeing Tamil films……
LOL…. telugu and Hindi????
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Telugu films should carry a statutory warning (like cigarettes) below a picture of Allu Arjun that watching them might lead to unpredictable side-effects and a shortening of the life-span! 🙁
there is a train accident scene in that movie which was so crude that it defies belief!! and also a needless item-number song..
otherwise that movie is pretty decent!!
one can witness Arjun in a soft role notably only in this film!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18KjJ3OJdck
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sSiecmoPZw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQNyo5URsOc
here are three very pleasing songs of the movie Rhythm!!
Hope you ll find it likeable!! 😉
& take care of health SI!! 🙂
SearchIndia.com Responds:
1. The camels were the best part of the first song (your first link).
2. The churning water was the best part of the second song.
3. We’re still mulling over what could be the redeemer of the third song.
A movie with Arjun, that horror-show Jyothika and that bimbo Meena is not a movie. It’s hemlock daubed on the screen.
All that said, the music is decent.
Aha, Guinness Stout tastes so better with Thaniye Tananthaniye playing in the background. 😉
Ha ha ha ha 🙂
In that small role which she gets, Jyothika irritates the audience & her dancing in that song is so bad that i am reminded of even animals giving a better dance performance!! 😉
But Meena though not a very good actress has done OK here!! 🙂
music is the only plus of this movie ‘Rhythm’..
The rest is just passable with too much convenient coincidences … like the husband and wife dies to leave two souls free to fall in love and contemplate the meaning of life. They could have handled them as magical realism, but here it’s just convenient…. went to watch with a friend to test the hype, a few weeks into its release, only to find 20 to 30 people, by the time it ended, we knew why there was so little audience.
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Thanks for the insight into the movie.
Not that we’re very surprised.
yes..
this story can only take place in movies!!
it can’t happen in reality!!
i said its a decent enough movie simply because we are getting even worse tamil movies now!!
Ko & Deiva Thirumagal in recent months were the only movies that had some substance but even they are stolen stories!!
Wondering when can we get even a passable flick in Tamil nowadays as movies like Sura, Vettaikaran, Singam ad nauseum ad infinitum are all that we are being offered!!
They are showing their contempt for their die-hard fans in such a garishly crude manner!!
Did anyone listen to the ‘Chammak challo’ cacophony in Ra.One by Akon? 🙁
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Not yet.
Here it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRyD9aBlXZs
May the force be with you.
SearchIndia.com Responds:
No, we didn’t come.
Let’s see how the picturization turns out.
I think there should be a fine balance between acting and other aspects(dance, looks etc) to actually make an actor a superstar(even if they are not great actors thats fine.. braddpitt, will smith are the ones who come to mind.. not the greatest of actors but true superstars) . Ofcourse India has some fine actors like Naseer, Om puri, Irrfan khan but lets face it.. these guys cannot be superstars. Are there actors who fit the bill of having a balance of everything even if they dont excel in the acting department? Unfortunately no Indian actors come to mind..maybe aamir(I know searchindia doesnt quite like him 😉
Btw, have u seen Ranbir Kapoors Rockstar trailer. The new girl can be sent to stand in the growing list of bimbos but Ranbir Kapoor sure gives glimpses of some good acting in the trailer…
SearchIndia.com Responds:
In the below 45-age category, Ranbir Kapoor is probably the best.
No, haven’t seen Rockstar trailer yet.
SI : Off-topic:
Have you seen Parthiban Kanavu (2003) starring Srikanth, Sneha, Manivannan & Vivek??
It has heavenly music with all songs being a treat to the ears!!
The movie isn’t extremely great but it’s a decent flick
Can you please see & review it?? 🙂
SearchIndia.com Responds:
We may have seen parts of it.
Ok!!
So if you find time, you can catch hold of it and i don’t think that movie will leave you disappointed!! 🙂
Even if you don’t review its fine, but pls do try to watch & let me know your opinion ok?? 🙂
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Netflix has it, so we might watch it in a week or two.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smi3zddV5kg
See this, SI, and all your theories on salman’s acting will be proved…
SearchIndia.com Responds:
The chutiya should stick to teaching How to Drink, Drive, Destroy and Dash off from the Crime Scene leaving the Dying and grievously injured to suffer in agony.
What a shame that our clown prince Rahul went to this chutiya’s house.
For a certain event, I had to make a parody of this insane movie. So, unfortunately, I had to watch this movie.
Every epithet and diatribe of yours regarding that dumbass Kareena and murderer Salman was proven to be highly accurate. After watching this movie, I realised the torture you must have surely gone through.
Verily, I sympathise with you… :'(
SearchIndia.com Responds:
Now this chuha (rat) who
ranscurried away after his murderous assault on Mumbai’s poorest without caring to render assistance to the seriously injured is now featuring in a movie called Ek Tha Tiger.Ha ha ha, only in Incredible India do rats and mice become Tigers. 🙁