I can give you more than him. He probably can’t even kiss you without hurting you.
– Werewolf to Bella Swan

I know she’s in love with you but she’s in love with me too. She just doesn’t admit it.
– Werewolf to the Vampire

Say, do women in the 15-35 age group secretly fantasize about a relationship (sexual or otherwise) with two men at the same time?

Is that what really gets them off. Pray, help us with this one, will ya. We’d really love to know. 😉

Except for stray, decrepit fogies like us, 85-90% of the audience in our hall for the midnight show of the new movie Twilight Saga: Eclipse was comprised of women in the 15-35 age group.

And, boy, they all seemed to be having a jolly good time. Wonder how many of them actually came in the movie hall itself given their frequent, loud approvals over the happenings on the screen.

Less Trashy than New Moon

Not withstanding the squealing ejaculations of the teens and women in our hall, the best we can say about Eclipse is that it’s not as horrible as New Moon, the previous installment in the Twilight series.

But boring and stupid as hell, nevertheless.

The 120-minute Eclipse is a familiar reprise of the characters, settings and the broad story outline encountered in previous versions.

You have the girl Bella Swan (the unendurable Kristen Stewart), the vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and the frequently shirtless, tattooed werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner).

And of course, the love of the two ‘men’ for the girl.

Not-So-Subliminal Trick

Wait, what about the girl in this movie here.

What does she feel about it all.

That’s where Eclipse’s makers play a not-so-subliminal trick here in their bid to woo the aah-ooh, squealing 15-35 teens, young women and the not-so-young women.

* The movie-makers show Bella going around with the other guy even as she professes love for one

* They show her wearing gifts from the other guy in front of the one she loves

* They show her embracing the shirtless other guy in front of the one she loves.

* They show her being provided body-heat to ward off the bitter cold and shivers by the bare-chested other guy in front of the one she loves.

* They show her kissing the other guy in front of the guy she supposedly loves.

* They finally tell us that she actually loves both guys, just that she loves one more than the other.

Holy cow, what in the world are Eclipse’s makers trying to convey here?

That it’s Cool to have a threesome? Cool to be a c*ck-tease? Cool to be indecisive? Cool to love two guys simultaneously?

Unlikely as it sounds, it’s more than likely all of the above. Aren’t these (well, at least some of them for sure) the things women dig? 😉

Art imitating life, eh.

Irritating as hell as it may be, it’s working.

Look at the number of late-night shows for Eclipse. In a theater not far from where we live, there were eight shows between midnight and 2:31 AM. Yes, that’s AM.

So, What’s New?

To stave off criticism about rehashing the earlier films, Eclipse introduces the villainous Newborns, i.e. newly formed vampires superior to the Cullen vampires in strength and nefarious in their design, setting the stage for the inevitable, violent clash between the two.

How do the Vampires take on the superior Newborns then?

By forging a bizarre, unlikeliest alliance with their Werewolf enemies. Ha ha ha!

Wait, there’s more nonsense like Vampire-to-Wolf telepathy. Don’t laugh. It’s true.

Folks, if you plan on watching this crap be mindful that such is the drivel Twilight Saga: Eclipse is made of.

Except for a rare laugh or two, we found little entertainment in this latest Twilight movie.

Just endless ennui.

Not Worth Watching

Kristen Stewart is as bad as ever.

While some SI readers have drooled over the babe, we kinda found her unappetizing fare.

The shirtless one and the bloodsucker were tolerable in comparison.

Hey, one of our favorites, the Up in the Air gal Anna Kendrick has a small but memorable role here.

But overall, Eclipse is just the kind of movie we desperately, fervently wish would be eclipsed by better movies at the box office so that we need fear no sequel.

Alas, that ain’t gonna happen if the crowds we witnessed tonight are any portent.

Related Content:
The Twilight Saga: New Moon Review – Stupid Shit

  eclipse, twilight saga, vampire, werewolf